therapy #3

XXX: now listen
I'm worried about you
I think
17:52 in the midst of a series of struck attitudes
you;ve forgotten who you are
me: tell me in what regard
ok
XXX: if you ever knew in the first place
me: in what sense?
when did I know?
XXX: you've relinquished the ability to be intimate
me: right
XXX: at the altar of
if you like
adopting a kind of pose
17:53 I think it's getting to you
me: I don't know how serious you're being
XXX: I'm being very serious
17:54 me: but if you are, I don't know what possible good it could do to tell me this. I don't know how not to strike poses and attitudes
XXX: I don't know when we'll be able to meet up again and I'll probably forget by the next time I see you
so I thought I ought to tell you
yes I understand that
I don't think it's something you can change
I think it's something that changes
me: hmmm. thank you.
17:55 if that's what I ought to say
XXX: Or maybe it is
me: I don't know how to engage with something
XXX: yes
on an emotional level
no
scrap that
me: I have managed to avoid this question for a while, though
XXX: on the level of sensory interaction
17:56 which leads to a more profound emotional level
than mere ironic interaction
me: characterise sensory interaction for me so I understand better what you mean
XXX: hmmm
like
for example
17:57 hugging
Anyway - I don't truly believe that there's anything you can't change - the question is a.
do you think I'm right
b. if so, do you want to do anything about it
answer no to either of those questions and this is just an
academic exercise
18:00 me: 1) I don't know, really, what other kinds of exercise there are.2) I'd love to do something about it. It would help to be with XXX.
3) I don't think you're wrong
4) Did I hug that badly?
XXX: In reverse order
18:01 4 Not bad or good - just incommensurate to your capacity to hug, if you like
me: hah
ok
18:02 XXX: 3. The question is - how do you travel from here
2. I think women help
1. How is your creative life?
me: 1. Just terrible
XXX: qualifier to 2: some women help
hmmm
that's interesting
18:03 what are you working on?
me: Nothing - I'm in creative stasis
I have ceased to believe in the practical possiblity of creative synthesis
but yesterday I discovered a new poet
hart crane
18:04 (qualifier - synthesis within myself)